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I've been fighting this for so long
but I'm finally falling apart....
[9:00:37 PM] Mama Bear: yes I'm fine
[9:00:45 PM] Mama Bear: I've just been completely psychotic all week
[9:00:50 PM] Mama Bear: and I'm edgy
[9:01:29 PM] Mama Bear: you should go eat
[9:01:55 PM] Steffani Crawford: mmmm I'm lazy
[9:01:59 PM] Steffani Crawford: >.<
[9:03:41 PM] Steffani Crawford: annnddd whyyy have you been psychotic all week?
[9:03:50 PM] Mama Bear: one my period
[9:03:55 PM] Mama Bear: two as I've said
[9:04:02 PM] Mama Bear: I'm clinically depressed
[9:04:04 PM] Mama Bear: unmedicated
[9:04:08 PM] Mama Bear: and have no counselling
[9:04:12 PM] Mama Bear: I'm not in school
[9:04:22 PM] Mama Bear: and people keep ******** POKING at me about everything
[9:04:31 PM] Mama Bear: and it's making me anxious
[9:04:35 PM] Mama Bear: and stressed out
[9:04:47 PM] Mama Bear: so I'm kind of going completely ******** psychotic
[9:05:11 PM] Steffani Crawford: ooo just like me. For the last year and a half... Damn it's been awhile... I miss Kim...
[9:05:25 PM] Mama Bear: I freaked out over my grandmother telling me to clean my room in a rather
[9:05:31 PM] Mama Bear: threatening obnocious way
[9:05:41 PM] Mama Bear: but it was enough i stopped breathing slightly
[9:05:44 PM] Mama Bear: and started to cry
[9:05:46 PM] Mama Bear: and was shaking
[9:06:10 PM] Mama Bear: and had a moment where I seriously contemplated going out into the kitchen and slitting my throat and or wrists in front of her
[9:06:30 PM] Mama Bear: and see if my blood on her nice clean kitchen floor made her feel any better about my bedroom
-skipped an argument about the situation-
[9:20:54 PM] Steffani Crawford: >.> course I'm just a smart a**... and your granmosther pisses me off doing that s**t to you...
[9:21:12 PM] Mama Bear: Yeah well it's better than most of the other places I've lived
[9:21:18 PM] Mama Bear: and she normally is pretty nice to me
[9:21:18 PM] Steffani Crawford: and you wouldn't have to by all the food at once...
[9:21:38 PM] Mama Bear: it was just yesterday that she did that
[9:21:40 PM] Steffani Crawford: yeah, but since your granparents have moved in I've noticed something
[9:21:47 PM] Mama Bear: and she did it because she knew I'd clean my room
[9:21:51 PM] Steffani Crawford: You have become increasingly suicidal
[9:21:55 PM] Mama Bear: Steff
[9:21:59 PM] Mama Bear: I'm more vocal about it
[9:22:06 PM] Mama Bear: I've been suicidal since I was 13
[9:22:16 PM] Mama Bear: this is nothing new
[9:22:19 PM] Steffani Crawford: yeah, well, you should stop thinking like that
[9:22:21 PM] Mama Bear: I've felt like this for years
[9:22:30 PM] Steffani Crawford: cause Your death would bring nothing of value
[9:22:38 PM] Steffani Crawford: it would be pointless and I would cry
[9:23:01 PM] Steffani Crawford: and then I would think of jumping off a roof or something... and not to die
[9:23:11 PM] Steffani Crawford: but to maim myself cause I couldn't save you
[9:23:26 PM] Mama Bear: I'm not you responsibility you know
[9:23:33 PM] Steffani Crawford: no you're not
[9:23:37 PM] Mama Bear: *your
[9:23:42 PM] Steffani Crawford: but you're one of my BEST friends
[9:24:06 PM] Mama Bear: have you ever considered some people might not be saveable?
[9:24:12 PM] Mama Bear: I mean what if I never get better
[9:24:21 PM] Mama Bear: I can only keep going on sheer willpower for so long
[9:26:31 PM] Steffani Crawford: I've gon on sheer will power alone for a long time now. I have no boyfirend, The only friend I ever see is Molly. My foster family doesn't understand me, my biological family sucks, and I have no love life. You, have pretty much the same situation - years of therapy, however, you have Zach, right? What would he do if you killed yourself? How would he feel...?
[9:26:55 PM] Steffani Crawford: Then there's me? How do you think I'd feel?
[9:27:48 PM] Steffani Crawford: How do you think everyone would feel? Cause I can garuntee you no one will be fancing the mariachi around a sombrero filled with flowers tossing confetti
[9:27:54 PM] Steffani Crawford: I promise you that.
[9:28:34 PM] Steffani Crawford: Besides, Suicide is the cowards way out. You're not a coward, you're a strong, beatiful intelligent, and amazing person
[9:28:54 PM] Steffani Crawford: You can give the world so much, you don't see it, but you don't have to
[9:28:57 PM] Steffani Crawford: cause I do
[9:29:18 PM] Steffani Crawford: and I could porbably sak all your friends, and they would say the same
[9:29:54 PM] Steffani Crawford: You're awesome and we love you, and you shouldn't feel like you need to die to make people happy
[9:30:02 PM] Steffani Crawford: cause it will make no one happy
[9:30:20 PM] Mama Bear: I don't think it'll make anyone happy...I kinda stopped thinking that a while ago
[9:30:21 PM] Steffani Crawford: *ask
[9:30:29 PM] Mama Bear: it's more become a....how do I make this stop
[9:30:39 PM] Mama Bear: this never ending god forsaken black hole
[9:30:56 PM] Mama Bear: of bullshit and hurt that I am constantly living in
[9:31:00 PM] Mama Bear: they lied
[9:31:07 PM] Mama Bear: there is no light at the end of the tunnel
[9:31:10 PM] Mama Bear: there just isn't
[9:31:23 PM] Mama Bear: what the hell did I do to deserve twenty years of bullshit and heart ache
[9:31:31 PM] Mama Bear: who the ******** did I piss off?
[9:31:32 PM] Steffani Crawford: What makes you thik that there is no light baby>
[9:31:34 PM] Steffani Crawford: *?
[9:31:51 PM] Mama Bear: because this never gets any ******** better
[9:31:53 PM] Mama Bear: EVER
[9:31:57 PM] Mama Bear: no matter how hard I try
[9:32:08 PM] Mama Bear: I can't keep picking myself up off the ground anymore
[9:32:14 PM] Mama Bear: I don't have the energy
[9:32:17 PM] Mama Bear: I'm tired Steff
[9:32:24 PM] Mama Bear: Exhausted
[9:32:27 PM] Mama Bear: mentally and emotionally
[9:32:31 PM] Mama Bear: and physically
[9:33:28 PM] Steffani Crawford: what have you been fighting? Is it yourself? Your family? The world? What were you fighting for, that is making you so tired...?
[9:33:42 PM] Mama Bear: I don't know anymore...
[9:33:48 PM] Mama Bear: It seems like everything sometimes

]: I look up to you Jess. You're one of the only people on the planet I care for. You are one of the people stopping me from ever feeling like that. Please don't be so edgy. And please do not hurt yourself x__x; We NEED you. I don't expect anything from you except for to be strong and love me and the guildies.
and I'm so glad you can share this with us, cause we love you D; like so freaking much! There's not much more I can say to you, but I hope you really feel a LOT better soon, cause you don't deserve to feel that way. Nobody does.

*looooves on Jess*

I love you guys and I didn't see this until today but it still made me smile
Thanks.
<3

I'm doing my best to get through this I really am.
I'm going to be okay.
No matter what it takes.
I've gotten this far after all.